The Talk
by Blind-Eyes-That-See
Summary: Naruto never had anyone to lay down the facts of life to him. So, confused, he seeks out his best buddy to help him. Non Yaoi. Very funny.


_ This is my second attempt at a fanfiction. My first was horrible. I hope you enjoy this._

_Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or Chibi vampires which is briefly mentioned in this story._

_Rating: T_

He was faster than Sasuke recalled. His movements carried a fluid intent, as they flowed into each other. Somehow he had managed to remain hidden within the trees, and hadn't yet shouted out to the world his intentions. He wasn't the blundering fool Sasuke had come to know and tolerate. He was a ninja in every sense of the word. However that didn't change the fact that he was an idiot… and that Sasuke was very hard to hide from.

All at once an orange blur came at him, exactly where he had anticipated it would. Sasuke whirled to face him, his eyes bleeding into the Sharingan. He dodged Naruto's first strike, and then his sword was in his hands. He ducked and struck forward in a wide arc. Naruto jumped back and tossed two Kunai at Sasuke's head.

Sasuke parried the first, but the second embedded itself in his shoulder. No matter. Pain was a small matter to a Shinobi of his level. He raised his hands together to form a familiar hand seal. Naruto's eyes widened in shock, and he ducked to the side. Not fast enough.

Sasuke spit forth a wave of flame. Quick as a lash it shot out, incinerating the Tree directly behind his old friend and scorching Naruto's side. Naruto fell to the ground in pain. Before he could raise his head Sasuke was behind him. His sword was at the small of the blonde boys back. Sasuke lowered his face to Naruto's, his arm still positioned to plunge his blade into his friend's back. His Sharingan eyes held no emotion.

"What are you doing Naruto?" Asked Sasuke in a voice reminiscent of a Snake's. "You aren't welcome here." Suddenly the Kunai in his shoulder started to ache. In fact it felt as if it was enlarging… and then Sasuke remembered a certain mission he and Naruto had shared in their genin days. A certain mission where he had shown just how adapt at the transformation jutsu he was…

A wall of smoke exploded in Sasuke's face blinding him for a moment. When he opened his eyes again he realized that Naruto was no longer under his sword… and two Naruto's were holding him in place. A faint sound behind him caught his attention. He turned around…. To be caught full in the face by a swirling Rasengan. He flew back and smashed into a tree. A sickening crack ran through Sasuke's ears. Dazed, he looked up to see a smiling Naruto. Sasuke scowled. No matter how many times he fought his former ally he could never quite bring himself to consider how very good Naruto was at what he did. His Sharingan could have easily detected that shadow clone if he had been paying attention. Perhaps it was the orange that threw him off… His thoughts were interrupted by a loud, deep, screech of a voice. "I need your help." Naruto said matter of factly, as if he asked favors of Sasuke every day. Perhaps in his twisted world he did. Naruto always seemed to live in a place where basic reason had no influence…

"What?" Sasuke said incredulously. "What could you possibly need my help for? Does this have something to do with that perverted book of Jiraiya's? Does he need a male model again? Because I swear I only did that once and it was totally proff-.

"No no." Naruto said, waving off his concerns. "I need you to help me figure something out." Sasuke stared suspiciously at his old friend. What could he need to know? Well he needed to know a lot of things, but none that couldn't have been covered by Sakura or another of his friends. Slowly the tension crept out of Sasuke's body. His eyes darkened into their usual onyx.

"What do you need to know?" Sasuke asked, genuine curiosity coloring his features.

"Where do babies come from?" The question set Sasuke back as much, if not more than the Rasengan Naruto has just recently introduced to his face. His jaw dropped.

"What?!" Sasuke said taken aback. "How could - what the- HUH?!" Sasuke couldn't believe that Naruto was asking this of him. He was fifteen for god's sake. How could he not know about this? "Why me?" Sasuke said after a long pause. "How do you not know this?"

"Well, I'm an orphan." Naruto said sadly. His arms fell to his side in a glum manner. "Nobody ever told me what… goes on, to make a baby. I couldn't asks Sakura, that would have been… embarrassing. Iruka sensei would be more so. So it came down to you. " Sasuke couldn't believe Naruto had traveled all the way from the Leaf Village for THIS. He would have told his old friend to shove off but…he looked so nervous. Well who wouldn't be in such an embarrassing situation. Sasuke suddenly felt a surge of affection for his old comrade. He heaved a sigh and sat up straighter.

"Alright, I'll tell you." He said. Naruto's features brightened instantly. Sasuke cleared his throat. He had been told the truth when he was five. His parents had sat him down and explained it to him for half an hour. His father kept looking glum the whole time, but his mother had looked happy as if it was some magical tale. Come to think of it his father had always looked glum. He couldn't picture a single time his father had been happy. Or nice… his father really was a jack ass.

"It's like this." Sasuke said in a calm manner. "First there must be a man, and there must be a woman. Then they must decide they wish to have a child." Naruto was more focused than Sasuke had ever seen him. He nodded softly, and motioned for Sasuke to continue. Sasuke sighed again. "Once the decision is firm they both go to the bedroom and start writing a letter." Naruto's face remained intent, but at the mention of "Letter" he tilted his head slightly to the side. "They send the letter in to Krots Inc and if it is written well enough then they are registered to receive a child. The child is then custom made by an artisan and baked in an oven for nine months. After that a stork carries the baby back home."

Sasuke stared knowingly at his best friend. It was a shock to him too when he was five, but his parents had assured him that this was the case. Itachi had chuckled when Sasuke had told him about it, but otherwise had not denied it. As soon as Sasuke had killed his brother he planned to find the best writer he could find, settle down, and get to restarting his clan. He had even made a few practice letters and shown them to Kabuto. For some reason Kabuto had requested to keep them. What Kabuto would do with a kid was beyond Sasuke. Perhaps the little sadist had a paternal side after all. He did look awfully happy when Sasuke had handed them over…

But to his shock Naruto shook his head at him.

"No man. That's what I used to think, because obviously it is the most reasonable explanation- Sasuke nodded his head in agreement- but it's not true. I asked Hinata about it. She said it wasn't true.

"You asked Hinata? Hinata? The girl who faints every time she sees you?" Sasuke had never had the opportunity to speak to the girl, but she had always seemed nice enough. She was smart enough that she would have been a potential writing aid in his quest to restore his clan if it wasn't for the fact that she was his distant cousin.

"Well sort of. I asked her Babies come from Stork's right? when I started to get curious, and then she said "N-n-Naruto. T-that's not right. and when I asked her where they came from, she started to nosebleed, and she lost so much blood…" His voice trailed off. "Tsunade says she'll wake up in a few weeks." Sasuke was shocked. His entire life had just been shocked to the core. His parents had lied to him? Why? How could they? Would he have to start being social? He had always assumed he could just pay a good writer to help him out. Could he still pay somebody? **HE NEEDED TO KNOW.**

"I- I don't know." Sasuke said, his voice filled with shock. He really didn't. What was he going to do? He was confused. He needed to know about this just as much as Naruto. He needed- and then his eyes snapped wide open. He knew what to do. "I don't know." He said. "But I know who to ask."

"Who?" Naruto asked, looking puzzled. Sasuke's body tensed noticeably. After a moment he spoke.

"Someone… knowledgeable." Sasuke said. Unconsciously his eyes bled into the Sharingan.

* * *

The landscape blended into one long dark green painting as Sasuke and Naruto darted from one tree to another. Sasuke's eyes were locked intently on a small grey device in his hands. It beeped gently, emitting a faint green glow. He spared only the barest glances to judge his jumps effectively.

"That thing can really track people?" Naruto asked mid leap. Sasuke spared a glance at his blonde friend.

"Only if they have a chip planted on them." Sasuke said briefly. "I managed to sneak one into Itachi's food before he left for the Akatsuki. It's melded with his system now, so he can't remove it even if he knows about it." Naruto leaned over to stare at the device. A blue dot in the center mocked Sasuke, and a red one up ahead was probably Itachi. However next to the blue dot was a yellow one…

"What's the yellow one for?" Naruto asked. He moved his leg forward to catch a sturdy branch. However he misjudged it and found himself falling. Calmly he reached up and grabbed the branch. He threw himself up to his previous position by Sasuke. Sasuke continued on as if nothing had happened.

"It's you." He said calmly. Don't you remember, I stuck that chip in your skull and the fox healed it right up? Naruto thought for a moment.

"I thought that was a part of the game we were playing. Punching each other in the forehead…"

"We were playing checkers Naruto." He sighed. Naruto wasn't the brightest of his choices of friends. Sasuke supposed that all the energy that should have gone to his brain went to his mouth… and his hair. It was so yellow it did almost look like it was glowing…

"I guess that's why Sakura won't play checkers with me anymore." Mumbled Naruto. There was probably a story behind that. However Sasuke didn't care. The sun was beginning to rise above the tree line, and it cast shadows across the world. Shadows hid many secrets, Sasuke knew instinctively. However not even the shadows could save this secret from his Sharingan. The Uchiha glanced down at his device. They were getting closer. Absently he moved his leg to catch another branch… only to fall through it.

He hit the ground with a loud smack. A similar sound told him that his blonde friend had also fallen. Wincing, he rubbed his head, carefully feeling at his hair. Good. It wasn't messed up. Sasuke could deal with a broken rib or two, they would heal eventually, but his hair was another issue. When he had recovered, Sasuke looked around. He found a pair of feet up ahead of him. As he glanced higher, he noticed the owner of those feet was wearing a dark robe with red clouds, and as his gaze met the visitors his eyes bled to the Sharingan. Before him stood Itachi Uchiha.

A blue figure appeared from behind the missing Nin. He grinned, showing off his mouth full of shark like teeth. Still smiling, the fish man drew his massive sword, threw it in the air, and caught it by the handle.

"Can I cut em up Itachi?" He asked eagerly. "You said I could cut em up this time!"

"I said MAYBE." Replied Itachi in a nonchalant manner. The shark ninja's shoulders fell slightly and he frowned.

"But maybe always means no. Cmooooooooooon." He whined. Itachi shot his friend a red glance. Instantly the whine stopped. He chuckled weakly, raising his hands in mock deference. "Sorry Itachi-San. " Again a weak chuckle. Itachi turned to face Sasuke.

"So, my foolish little brother, why have you sought me out ? Could it be that you come to me with eyes like mine?" For emphasis Itachi's eyes spun into the Makegenkyo Sharingan. "I doubt it as you fell right into my Genjutsu. Is this some feeble attempt at vengeance like last time?" Itachi smirked. Sasuke sighed, scratching his head.

"No." He said calmly, though inside his soul raged to Chidori his big brother's head so deep down his throat that when he spoke there would be an echo. "No. I've come to ask… a question." This gave Itachi pause. Finally he spoke.

"Well then… what is your question?" He sounded intrigued. After all it wasn't every day his little brother sought him out for vengeance. Just every Tuesday. And considering he had come on a Wednesday, for a NON vengeance related subject , Itachi found himself curious. Sasuke cleared his throat.

"Where do babies come from?" He asked in a steely voice. Itachi just stared.

"What?" Itachi stammered. His face took on an uncharacteristic blush. "W-w-why, h-how?" He stammered. "What?" Sasuke folded his arms, and looked away annoyed.

"Where do babies come from?" Angry that he had to repeat himself, he met Itachi's gaze again. "You killed mom and dad so I have no one else to ask. So tell me. Now!" Itachi backed off at the barked "Now!" He looked totally flustered. Staring down at his feet, Itachi began to clumsily back off.

" W-well babies, you see, uh, they- they , uh kind of- umm, its sorta like pushups but- well no that's one- but I digress- and then there is the safety- and one has to be a woman and- no no that's not right- but in terms of BABIES uh, they must be uh- One man , one uh, wo." Itachi was blustering. Sasuke raised an eyebrow in surprise. He had never seen his brother so embarrassed before. Suddenly the older Uchiha collapsed, still babbling on. "Third dates best- uh sorta but umm yeah - and then there's the flowers- and marriage- and uh phew, I, uuh, - The woma-." And then suddenly, Itachi cut off, and stopped moving. Looking curious Kisame eyed his friend and when he didn't move, poked him with his oversized sword. The shark man sighed.

"He's dead." Kisame said matter of factly. Sasuke was taken aback. Never had he imagined that it would be this easy to dispatch his brother. Well, that was one mission in life down he supposed. However he was no closer to learning where babies came from. The last Uchiha pouted. Kisame smiled his shark grinned and laughed at seeing this.

"Ha kid, if it means that much to ya, I'll tell ya." He said. Naruto let out a whoop, and Sasuke smiled. The two sat down to listen, eagerly awaiting the answer to their riddle. The shark cleared his throat.

"First a man and a woman must love each other very much." He wagged his finger to emphasize the importance of this. Naruto and Sasuke nodded their heads interestedly. The shark man continued. "Then, they sit down and decide they want to have a baby. Once they've decided to do this they begin to compose a letter-." Sasuke cut him off.

"We've confirmed that's not how it works." He said sadly. The look of shock on the fish man's face was priceless.

"WHAT?!" He roared. "You mean there's no baby carrying whale?" The former mist ninja collapsed to the ground in tears. "My whole life has been built on a lie! I joined the Akatsuki to capture the whale, and force it to make a million babies exactly like me, so we could take over Finland and have all the herring we wanted." Naruto and Sasuke exchanged a look. They sighed together.

"Well we could use your help in finding the truth." The blonde spoke. "Want to come with us." Kisame just kneeled there for a moment but then he rose. His gaze stared down at his feet.

"That… would be best." He said at last. Naruto grinned, and then the three were off.

* * *

Naruto, Kisame, and Sasuke traveled the world seeking their answers. After awhile they were joined by Gaara, who had been too intimidating to have it explained to him as a child, and couldn't trust what his fan girls said, Orochimaru who was anxious to find out why people always called his snake jutsu perverted, and Kenta Usui, a hopelessly in love high school student with a beautiful girlfriend and no clues.

Together they journeyed to the far corners of the world. But they could find no answer. Kisame asked his old friend Jaws about it, but was torn to shreds when Jaws realized that he was in no shape or form a Naruto character. Orochimaru tried to ask Kabuto but the Sanin's healer friend was busy at the moment auctioning off some letters he had found. Later they got close when Naruto managed to locate Jiraiya and request his knowledge on the subject, but as he was about to tell them he was sighted by the group of women he was watching, and torn to shreds…

Depressed the group had returned to Konoha empty handed. Naruto, in an effort to cheer everyone up took them all out to dinner on him. He had, surprisingly, received a lot of money in Jiraiya's will. It had in fact been Naruto who had found the will next to his former sensei's mangled corpse. It read-

"give al ma junk t' Naruto. Hes reely awsum and will b Th nehxt hokagey .believe it!!" - Signed jerIuh whateverhislastnamewas

"May he rest in piece." Sasuke mumbled to himself as he ate his order of pork ramen. Though the truth was he would have to rest in pieces. They had never managed to locate his feet. Well, he should have known better than to peep on sand village Temari... Suddenly the room grew quiet. Sasuke glanced to his left to see Kakashi Hatake staring blankly at him. Oh that was right. He really hadn't told anyone he was coming back. Absently Sasuke ushered his old teacher over to where the group was sitting. After a moment, the jounin complied.

"So… your back?" The silver haired ninja stated/asked. Sasuke nodded his head calmly.

" Yup. If I didn't I'd just spend the rest of my life being chased around by Naruto, and where is the point in that?" It was quite true. He hadn't really thought of what he was going to do after Itachi was dead but he supposed going back to his old village was as good as anything. It's not as if he had a reason to totally annihilate it or anything! Kakashi sighed, and then looked at his former protégé again.

"You look down. " Kakashi said at last. Sasuke glanced at the jounin, then sighing, he told him their dilemma. Kakashi's eyes lit up, and he smiled, though Sasuke couldn't see it under his mask. The silver haired joinin reached into his vest pocket and removed a book from it. Then, lightly, he plopped it down in front of him.

"This should be of some help." Kakashi said happily. Sasuke stared down at the cover. It read Icha Icha paradise.

* * *

The four ninja all stared in equal horror at the book as they read on.

"Disgusting." Remarked Orochimaru.

"Hn." Said Sasuke.

"What's the chair leg for?!" Roared Naruto

"I believe it's to prop up the chair." Said Gaara patiently. They had all been staring at the pages for hours learning everything they could. They were in Konoha training field. The sun was warm on their backs, but they didn't feel it. The truth had disgusted all of them senseless.

"I don't see why someone would want to do this." Ranted Naruto. "It sounds so weird. And is the cat really necessary?"

"I think the cats only purpose is to insulate the melons." Gaara replied calmly. Finally they all finished, each of them looking a bit sick. Gaara got up calmly and waved goodbye to the group, and after he calmed down Orochimaru returned to his lair to be evil. Sasuke and Naruto remained staring at the book.

"This is not good." Remarked Sasuke. "How am I supposed to revive my clan now? I was operating under the assumption that being emo wouldn't hurt my chances of getting a girl but apparently being emo's a "Turn. Off." Naruto stared back in similar disappointment. Apparently orange jumpsuits weren't that great for it either. And he didn't have much money. Where was HE going to get melons, a cat, a chair, AND a bathtub half filled with butter. They sat there together for a moment.

"So, CAN you pay somebody?" Asked Sasuke.

_ Well, thats it. Please review. I would love feedback. Any suggestions from seasoned writers would help immensly. I would also love to know what you all thought of it._


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